What if the Only CDs you Were Allowed to Listen to Were Those you Selected From BMG/Columbia House's 12 CDs for a Penny Deal in 1994?
Sure, at first twelve CDs for one penny sounds like a great idea, but what if part of the deal was you could ONLY listen to those 12 albums until the end of time? How would you fare?
My List
1.) Steve Miller Band's Greatest Hits - Okay, not bad. So far, so good.
2.) Van Morrison's Greatest Hits - Again, not bad, I still like Van Morrison.
3.) Soul Asylum, Grave Dancer's Union - Uh oh. I can't name one other song on this album besides "Runaway Train." Also, the first clue that the BMG/Columbia House deal coincided with the year my parents finally let us get MTV.
5.) Blind Melon - Feeling better, I like "No Rain" and "Change." I am totally going to read your mind right now. Are you picturing this?
6.) Ice Cube, The Predator - Featuring "Today Was a Good Day." Okay, you have to read these lyrics. Then, picture me, as a 13-year-old white girl, growing up in a woodsy dairy town and listening to this song. I wonder if I was the fan base member Ice Cube pictured when he wrote this song? Just picture him, like, wisely looking up at a thought bubble and it's just my 8th grade ASB card picture. Doubtful.
7.) Bon Jovi, Cross Road - Scott called me Bon Jovi for like six months after I got a (totally sweet) haircut in 2002. The earth is Bon Jovi's bed.
4.) Salt 'N Pepa, Very Necessary - Canna get some fries with that shake-shake booty? If looks could kill you would be an uzi, or a shotgun - bang! What's up with that thang? I wanna know, how does it hang? Ask me one thing I remember from my 8th grade Oceanography class and my brain retrieves nothing. All that comes to mind is Osher flexing, I'll admit, impressively. Yet, I can still remember all the lyrics to "Shoop."Why does my brain make these choices?
8.) Porno for Pyros - This one had "Pets" on it, you know "We'll make great pets, we will make great pets ..." MTV totally suckered me into purchasing this. Why do I feel like I spent an entire summer watching Beavis and Butthead and this video? And going to the King County Fair? And tucking my shirt in in the front, and yet untucking it in the back?
9.) Candlebox - I still totally love this album.
10.) Stone Temple Pilots, Core - I just realized Steve may have actually purchased these CDs and I just stole them. Sorry. I also borrowed your Sir Mix-A-Lot tape.
11.) The Bodyguard Soundtrack - You mother effer. Get off the desert island now.
12.) The Angus Soundtrack - okay, I didn't really buy this one...until my sophomore year of college! And then I got totally ripped up for it by my housemates. But, it had that "Goodbye, lay the blame on luck," song by Love Spit Love, with a special marching band sample! I felt like I had to get it, despite facing scathing ridicule, come to think of it, much like Angus himself faced in the film.
So, pros and cons. Kind of eye opening in the sense that my music taste has not changed much since 1994 while Ice Cube has changed significantly.
Could Be Good
I saw this guy on Conan and he was pretty funny. Um, is that an Andrew W. K. song in the background, or is it just my wishful pining?
A Good Question
My students are getting ready to take an international flight, so they have been full of questions. Here's a conversation between myself and my nine-year-old student.
Student: But you can't make jokes about bombs when you're getting on a plane.
Me: No, that's right, they have to take any reference to a bomb seriously, no matter what.
Student: But what if you're a kid and you made a joke?
Me: Well, they still want you to be really serious when you're getting ready to get on a plane. Although, if you're just a kid, they might not worry too much about it. It's not like guards just seize you.
Student: But what if your name is "Bob" and someone says, "Hey, Bob!" and it just sounds like "bomb"?
Me: Well, you would probably be able to clear that up.
Student: What if your name is "Bomb"?
Me: Hmmmm. That's a really good point.
1992 Victoria's Secret Shorts Still Going Strong
I can't believe I can still order these. There are actual Victoria Secret models in the catalogue who were not born when this picture was taken.
We're in bloody London, mates! Scott and I are here on our way to see our good friends Clare and Vince get married in Scotland! Last night, we experienced the amazing circus that is the Absolut Icebar. It was kind of tricky to find in London's tangle of alleyways, but completely worth it. Let me see if I can do it justice.
First of all, before even going inside, we debated whether or not it was worth the steep cover price. We both turned to the French hostess at the front desk and asked her skeptically,
Scott: "I mean Jeanette, really, how cool is it?"
Me: "Yeah, Jeanette, is it really cool or just kinda cool?"
Jeanette: (dead serious) "No, no! Eet eez very cool. Zey keep eet at about -5 degrees."
We were like, "That does sound cool." In any case, once your cover's paid, you walk into what looks like a normal, dark swanky London bar. What's different is that just off to the right stand two greeters in giant Prussian fur hats holding huge hooded fur-lined blue cloaks with which they will in fact drape you. It was very funny and awkward. How often does a staff member just try to dress you? Like just wind a scarf around your neck or something? I found it hilarious.
In any case, two people throw giant blue ponchos over you, and then make sure to point out the gloves that are handily attached to your cloak. The gloves make it a lot easier to hold your glass, which, of course, is hewn from a solid block of ice. The cover price actually includes one free Absolut drink, which was pretty nice.
Once you are all bundled up, North Pole expedition-style, you get to duck through a series of heavy fur curtains, not unlike those kids in The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe , and emerge on the other side into what looks like an Inuit bachelor party. It's insane. The walls are made of pure snow, but the floor, thank goodness, is grippy, textured stainless steel. There are giant ice blocks covered in fur skins to sit on, ice tables to set your drink on, and one giant intricately-carved ice chair which now keeps reminding me of The Dark Crystal. Even the bar itself, is indeed one giant block of ice. I guess they get all this ice direcly from a famous river in Sweden, which, let's be honest, could be a total fucking lie.
Who's going to verify that? I'd believe anything the Icebarbarians told me after a few lovely cocktails though, I think. It was packed and incredibly entertaining, but after a few drinks, our noses were cold and we were ready to return to the world of feeling your limbs. All in all, an amazing experience and a definite teaser for a stay in an ice hotel! I can't help but wonder if, as a rival, the Aftershock Firebar would ever make it. It could be a giant oven with hot metal cups full of searing Aftershock and furniture that burns you. Probably not as cool.
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