I was covering the Beaumont Swap Meet for a website I'm writing for and first of all, that was exactly as glamourous as it sounds. Second, as I was leaving, I drove past THIS sight at what I think is a local dirt bike shop. Obviously I had to stop and take an in-depth pictorial of the scene. The first image is still the most arresting. I title it "Despair."
Next a close up of "The Leaner." Notice how the sadness of the little boy is amplified by the fact that I took the picture through a rusty chain link fence. Gross.
"Please, Papa - I'm so cold...(and tired of leaning at this intense angle in my life jacket?)"
Papa is helpless, hanging by his severely creepy Saw-like hook hands.
Then, I guess I just wanted an even closer shot of the hook hands and the sad eyes to make my nightmares that much more vivid.
Speaking of the sad eyes, apparently someone painstakingly applies false eyelashes to crash test dummies. Not sure if that's really necessary...
I think the best thing about seeing this craziness is that it happened the day after we went to Disneyland. I definitely feel like going to the Beaumont Swap Meet followed by seeing these two Uncanny Valley Apocalypse Survivors was like traveling to the polar opposite end of the spectrum. Sweet dreams everyone!
Oh my gosh, every time I see this commercial - clearly targeted at teenage girls, who are way too smart for it - I cringe. Where do I even start.
First of all, "It doesn't filter out an idea"... "because I'm 16"..." and not 30." I'm sorry...did you think the world favored 30-year-olds? I mean, this is a commercial full of 16-year-old girls. Do you think the titans of technology are out their dying to know what a 30-year-old needs in their life? No! They're trying to figure out how to design a more alluring M.A.S.H. app for your iPhone. Do you think air gives a shit about me? With my crow's feet and my one piece bathing suit? Please. Air wants to look at you!
And this part..."and wouldn't care if it knew!" Wow. Air sounds so cool. I mean, once, I asked Air to Tolo, and Air totally didn't know about my scoliosis, but then - right when we were about to slow dance, Air felt my back brace through my dress, and Air totally didn't care! Is Air Justin Bieber?
I feel like I'm going to look over, and Air will be wearing the "Love See No Colour" T-shirt I wore in 8th grade, with sunglasses, just making a heart with its hands like Taylor Swift does.
Real 16-year-old girls do have amazing ideas and as a teacher, I believe fiercely that their voices should be valued. I just feel like their voices would immediately join me in making fun of this commercial which so clearly patronizes them. Young people and their omni-texting are often victims of the crazily expensive rates cell phone companies charge for air, and the fact that one of them is trying to glorify this at times exploitive business by masquerading as some sort of inspirational call to action is just so ridiculous.
And while yes, Air can be pretty cool sometimes (kites, breathing, that parachute game in elementary school P.E.); it also makes tornadoes.
I think I'm just going to start dressing like Day to Night Barbie for job interviews. The whole ensemble is just so, I don't know - professional. Especially the large white hat. I love the part where Barbie is "using the computer," but really, she's just briefly karate chopping the right side of the keyboard while an '80s computer sound blee bloops in the background.
At first I thought this Barbie was just "Home and Office Barbie," but then I remembered, no, she's "Day to Night Barbie"! The whole outfit is designed so that she can go out with Ken after work! Having owned one of these dolls, I searched my memory and was like, "Didn't that skirt reverse into evening wear?"
I was so happy when this commercial confirmed it. Just think about enduring an entire day at work with scratchy pink tulle smashed under your pencil skirt. It's just ravaging your legs but you don't care, "Ignore...netburn....must dance with Ken..." Like how hard it would it be to just keep an extra dressin your office? Is Ken coming like, five seconds after you clock out? He can't wait while you change? It's just way more convenient to wear reversible clothing? I love Barbie.
The picture is a little blurry, but that's only because I was shaking so violently from laughter at the gas station where these disturbing candies were so prominently displayed. How did this product get past Wonka quality control?
We have also been going to the street fair a lot lately, and these crazy little guys are displayed at a lawn ornament booth - and let me just tell you, they really draw the eye. Their whimsical anthropomorphism will haunt me for years to come.
In conclusion...
What I love about the people who invented the new compostable Sun Chips bag is that they didn't just create a biodegradable package - they also created the loudest chip bag in history. There's actually a warning on the bag apologizing for its markedly loud, crackly nature. Small price to pay for a bag that breaks down in your backyard compost though! Even though the three people in my town that are actually composting right now probably don't buy Sun Chips, favoring rather bulk quinoa and sprouted grain bread. Still though, it's a promising step in the right direction.
While coming up with packaging made from material that eventually disappears is a great idea, my students came up with some items that would not be so great if they were indeed made out that same"now you see it, now you don't" biodegrading corn-based polymer. Here they are in order of escalating importance:
- your desk
- your pants
That's as far as we got, but you can see that they are total geniuses. I can't wait to see what they will invent.
Whenever I text "mins," as in, "I'll be there in 5 mins," my phone automatically suggests I may have meant to say "minstrel." Whenever I attempt to text "smiley," as in, "That smiley with the letter 'B' for sunglasses is hilarious," it thinks I want to say "amulet." Minstrel and amulet. Under what circumstances would I ever need to send a text regarding either of those items? Does my phone think I have a drawbridge at my house? Does it think I wear one of those cone hats with a scarf coming out of it? I am not a wizard. I am not a jouster. I realize I've brought up this predictive text issue before, but I am perpetually incredulous! Come to think of it, I've also brought up amulets before... Maybe I am like, one cape away from LAIRE. Maybe my phone knows something I don't.
I love the blog Cake Wrecks! They actually have a book out now and it is priceless. Check out this creepy Baby Ethan cake. I love that they never run out of material!
This is the sign I saw posted at one of the elite Chili's "Curbside-To- Go" parking spots. Look how intimidating it is! If you park there and you're notjust popping in to pick up your pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas...then they are going to eff you up.
What kind of bad-ass mercenary towing service does Chili's employ? Do they just stake out the restaurant, and if you are in breach of the well-documented ten minute limit, some sort of Decepticon comes out, incinerates your car, and then sprinkle the remains on top of some sizzling-hot nachos? Does Megatron serve it to you like, "Yeah! Eat up bitch! Cuz this is Chili's! And we don't fuck around!"
Oddly enough, underneath the extremely aggressive and threatening warning, is this warning....
It's a little blurry, but that's only because a giant car-melting robot was pounding its fist on the roof of my car as I took the photo. In any case, let me get this straight. If I park in this spot without getting food, my car is crushed and melted - possibly with me inside it. If I park in this spot, pick up my Chili's to go, and then eat it, my organs and possibly my unborn children will be crushed and melted by carcinogens?
What the fuck Chili's? Jesus. I'm going to Red Robin.
When my dad was younger, in the late sixties, he knew a girl who lived in NYC and worked at Seventeen. She had a device that recorded television and he thought, "Wow, now that's going to be huge!" He was right. He saw the future. Years later, we had our first VCR. It even had its own remote control...that you had to plug into the VCR, creating a living room trip wire that surely caused disaster when we got up to get more Crystal Pepsi during an Ewok Adventure commercial break. The point is, Dad knew people were going to love that device, he just had a feeling. I have that same feeling now when I look at these 3-D printers. I'm not sure if they will ever be as universal as the VCR, but I definitely want them to be big someday! Hmm, Laserdisc or DVD? Only time will tell.
Here is a demo that shows the basic concept of what a 3-D printer does.
You have to request a price quote from ZCorp for their products, and I'm not sure how expensive these devices can get, but this Desktop Factory model is marketed as the most affordable at about $5000.
If right now you're thinking, "Yeah, that's cool... if you have a real big need to make little plastic models on a regular basis!" My answer to you is this. What if we fill the printer with cake? And then, you could just use the computer software to create a 3-D image of anything, like, the head of David Bowie (much like Jordan and I did when we made our medieval shield for Witzel's class), and then, the printer would just carve out a cake in the shape of David Bowie's head! Whether it's Labyrinth Bowie or Ziggy Stardust Bowie, it's all the same. That cake is delicious and you just printed it in your own home!
My friend, Roxana is a sculptor, and she thinks it's amazing. When she lived in Italy, her workshop had a giant machine that you could program to carve marble.
You can actually create 3-D objects with a regular printer as well, by using software that takes a 3-D image, flattens it to a 2-D image, which you can print, and then fold into your desired 3-D object. For example, here is a turkey.
I think they use a program called Blender, but there is an even more popular program that I'm blanking on - does anyone know the name? I saw guys use it to take characters from video games, and copy their helmets and weapons into the program, so they could essential fold these giant paper swords. I loved it. I think you can actually download a template of a Tron helmet here which is pretty much why the Internet exists and why it rules.
The chocolate inhaler - not so sure it's going to sweep the nation - but the 3-D printer definitely has possibilities. Now if they could just make one with a plug-in remote control...
This is a chocolate inhaler. You heard me right. You just breathe it in, like you have some sort of strange and delicious ashtma, and then your tastebuds are flooded with the smooth, rich taste of chocolate. It's called Le Whif. Check out their official website here.
I loved this quote from the site reading, "Edwards says inhaled chocolate is just the beginning. New culinary innovations that involve eating by breathing are being developed by the Foodlab at Le Laboratoire, Edwards' art and science innovation center in central Paris." Eating by breathing? Just the beginning? Do we even want this to begin? Is breathing food as opposed to chewing it some sort of improvement? I don't know if a turkey sandwich cloud is going to be as cool as the real deal.
How badly do I want to go the Foodlab though? Will Willy Wonka be inside it? Will I get to float on a chocolate river or what? Obviously the answer is yes.
Breathing in your food in is so futuristic. It seems like there are always two conceptions when it comes to the food of the future. Either you push a button on a machine, and out pops whatever you want. PB and J? Done. IN-N-OUT burger? Done. It's there in that little door like an automat and genie all in one. The other futuristic food conception is always just, "your food needs are met with this pill." But, think about it. Why would that even be cool? How is turning a sweet, Thanksgiving dinner into a freaking Tylenol PM cool in any way? What is the benefit?
I sort of wonder if eating by breathing is going to catch on. Some chefs actually will create a dish that comes with like, a balloon you pop, and it's full of like, I don't know oyster vapor or something, and it enhances your eating experience. You never know.
When is someone going to just bake our heads into a pizza and let us eat our way out of it? Wasn't that an episode of The Simpsons? It was like a stuffed crust thing? What about how Scott is promoting pizzas with such a crust. Check it out.
Think Geek pretended to sell these ton-ton sleeping bag as an April Fool's Day joke, but so many people wanted one that now they're trying to get it endorsed by Lucas so they can actually make it! How badly do you want one? It has a light saber zipper pull! Also, if you caught the fact that I misspelled "tauntaun," you fell right into my nerd trap! Nerd alert! Confirmed.
Next a close up of "The Leaner." Notice how the sadness of the little boy is amplified by the fact that I took the picture through a rusty chain link fence. Gross.
Then, I guess I just wanted an even closer shot of the hook hands and the sad eyes to make my nightmares that much more vivid.
