Bon Jovi Sleeps in a Dirty Ditch

I have a theory. Jon Bon Jovi hasn't slept in thirty years.

I arrived at this theory after a conversation with Scott the other night. I don't remember how, but the term "shot down" popped up and inevitably, we started singing the bits and pieces of "Blaze of Glory" that we could remember. Of course, as per the tacit directive, we had to sing the (often totally incorrect) lyrics in a kind of serious tough-guy voice; like maybe we grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, rode our bike into the desert after getting into a fight with our longshoreman father, and finally became a cowboy. In any case, here are the opening lines to "Blaze of Glory:"

I wake up in the morning

And I raise my weary head

I got an old coat for a pillow

And the earth was last night's bed

Scott and I were like, okay, so no matter where Bon Jovi is, he's just sleeping on a dirty patch of desert with, as Scott imagined, only two pieces of straw scattered around. Then, I thought of these lyrics:

I want to lay you down in a bed of roses

For tonight I sleep on a bed of nails

Seriously. Somebody give Bon Jovi a bed! He's tired! At least that's what I thought until I read the lyrics to this song, "I'll Sleep When I'm Dead:"

This ain't no slumber party

Got no time for catching z's

If they say that that ain't healthy

Well then living's a disease

'Til I'm six feet under I won't need a bed

Gonna live while I'm alive

I'll sleep when I'm dead

'Til they roll me over

And lay my bones to rest

Gonna live while I'm alive

I'll sleep when I'm dead

So, the point is Bon Jovi doesn't even want to sleep. Kind of like the Beastie Boys. Until they arrive in Brooklyn, at which point, each one falls into an instant, delightful slumber.

Scary Skeletons

This is so funny. I heard it on the radio the other day and I was laughing so hard.

Fatty

You know what I've discovered? Being a kid involves a lot of unselfconcious singing. My students sing all day long. Just nonsense songs. Not embarrassed at all. There must be a small window of time when life is like this. I love working with my students, though. They are so smart and so funny. Here are some of my favorite conversations to date:

Student: Caitlin?

Me: Yes?

Student: You know when you see a like, a human skeleton?

Me: Uh huh.

Student: Well, don't you think sometimes it looks like the heart is in a jail?

Like the ribcage is the jail. How cute is that? Here's another one. Picture just driving two kids, quietly reading in the back seat with their two brand-new stuffed polar bears by their sides. Everyone's been mute for like twenty minutes when this happens:

Student: Caitlin?

Me: Yes?

Student (sadly lifting up her bear for me to see): My guy has diabetes.

I was like, how do I even react to that? Then, she and her brother just threw their polar bears back and forth as fast as they could while singing "Viva Las Vegas." I loved it.

My favorite though was when one student was reading a complicated history lesson online, and I kept asking her stuff like, "Okay, so what does it say about how George Washington wanted to be addressed," and she would just peer at the text and turn to me with the answer and then finally, at the very end, she just squinted really hard at the screen and pointed with her finger and said "Oh wait... it says one... more... thing...here... 'Caitlin... is.... a fatty!'" and then she just looked at me and cracked up for like an hour. I was like, "Real funny kid, real funny."

My Favorite Couple

I don't really watch The Amazing Race, but I might start because of this couple from Kentucky. Their names are Kynt and Vyxsin. I love them. Just try pronouncing "Kynt."

Look Alikes: Part One

Who does this look like?

I saw special white truffle oil shampoo the other day. Really? White truffle oil? In shampoo? I understand that in certain realms, truffle oil can be quite appealing, but last time I checked, my hair was not a delicious mushroom risotto.

Everywhere I turn, there are new luxury ingredients touted in consumable products. And some of these decadent beauty ingredients are scary! Like lava! According to Luxist, Armani's new face cream, Crema Nera, has obsidian in it! It was "inspired his summer holidays on the volcanic island of Pantelleria which is located between Sicily and Africa." I love that Armani just looked at this island, full of erupting volcanoes and molten lava and was like, "I have to put this on my face." It even has a patented "magmatic texture." Say no more. I just want to stick my face right over Mt. St. Helens. In any case, Armani's promises are not as far fetched as some. Apparently minerals can have a scientifically positive effect on your skin. Is the obsidian found in Crema Nera effective? I'm not sure. But you know obsidian is good for? Making arrowheads.

La Prairie had the brilliant idea to put 24K gold into their Pure Gold serum. All I can think about is Goldschlagger. Whenever I see it, I think, "Is it okay to drink gold? That doesn't seem right." Likewise, slathering it all over yourself seems rather dangerous as well. "Oh, but it's so rare," some might say. You know what else is rare? Bald eagle poop. Am I going to rub it on my face? Probably not.

Speaking of gold and faces, I think I'll close by asking, what the hell is this, besides the plot to The Mask?

P. S. Rachel - I am in the process of developing a special "Black Hills Gold" serum just for us!

Just Because

Pour ceux étant sur le point la roche, nous vous saluons!

Imagine coming home to find a CD from this band sitting on your kitchen counter. That's what happened to me last Christmas. The above shot is just an example; the exact album cover was even cooler. I just picked it up and was like, "Scott. Seriously. Where did you find this?" It looked like an album a fictional Steel Dragon-like band would make. He was like, "Oh! That's for Francois! It's his favorite band. They're like the French ACDC." Come again? France has its own ACDC? That's amazing. I mean, imagine if every band you ever loved had an international counterpart. The Swiss Bon Jovi. The Chinese Iron Maiden. The Canadian New Kids on the Block. It's a dream come true.

Francois is the French pastry chef at Scott's restaurant. I love him. First of all, Scott often comes home with his leftover fantastic creations: homemade gumdrops, mousse towers, and chocolate croissants; and once, Scott spent a whole day learning to bake with him and when he came home, he smelled just delightful. And he makes pretzel bread. Which is as carbtastic as it sounds.

I once asked Francois repeatedly if he lives in a gingerbread house. Don't you think he does? In any case, Francois loves Trust and when Scott gave him the album, he was so stoked. Scott said he was just smiling and pointing at all the band members going, "Zat is Bernee, zat is Jeannot, zat is Nono, zat is Raymond." He also frequently belts out their songs in full-on French while slamming an air guitar around the kitchen. The cooks love it. Who wouldn't?

The other thing I love about Francois is that he speaks four different languages, and Scott says sometimes he'll be like, "Hey Scott, put it by the uh, the uh, the uh, the uh, the oven!" like he's just racking his brain for the correct terminology.

I guess Bon Scott spent a lot of time with Trust right before he died. There was a total mutual respect between the bands and each one covered the other's songs. If you think about it, Bon Scott name even sounds French. All I want is to make a Baz Luhrmann musical movie of their story. I would call it Highway to France. Baz, if you're out there, the time is now.

A Guy In a Prius Wanted to Fight Me

Sorry it's been awhile; I have been on the road for the last two weeks, tutoring in Rancho Santa Fe, Tahoe and Napa. While in Rancho Santa Fe, I had to drive one of the family vehicles: the Hummer. Let me tell you what that's like. First of all, it is so huge (I know, duh), but, it is so huge, that when I leaned forward to adjust the rear view mirror, arm outstretched as far as it would go, I couldn't reach the rear view. It was like, a good nine feet in front of me. I was like, "That's really convenient." That's how huge this car is. So, then I started noticing that everywhere I went, people would glare at me. Seriously! I parked at a Starbucks and passersby were like, mean-mugging me the whole time! It was even worse when I walked out of Starbucks with a disposable, paper latte cup. I might as well have been just dumping oil all over an otter. I felt terrible! Anyone that knows me, knows it was torture for me to drive anything that gnarly towards the environment. Scott and I found that only one kind of person lights up when they see you pull up in a Hummer: the guy at the gas station. Cha-ching. Hope everyone is doing well and I'll write more soon!

Kid Nation

The tagline is "40 kids for 40 days with no grown-ups. Can they do it?" Do what you ask? Successfully run a working society made up entirely of kids ages 8-15. It's Kid Nation and it premieres Wednesday, September 19, 8PM ET/PT on CBS.


The premise is watching what happens when you leave a diverse group of kids alone in a Wild West ghost town. No one gets kicked off and they can leave whenever they want. Every week, the kid council gets to award someone with a "gold star" worth twenty grand. They also compete for prizes like a library or video arcade. All the while, they have to cook, clean, and govern themselves. I guess lemonade stands are for pussies.

Okay, I don't doubt that this will be a hit show, and I'm totally impressed with the kids that volunteered to take on such a challenge, but there are a few issues I would like to bring up at one of the weekly kid-run "town meetings." First of all, no grown-ups? CBS is lying. What about the camera people? What about the host? Will they also be of the Dora the Explorer set? Nice try, but there's no way. I mean, there has to be some kind of Bear Grylls-like-pseudo-reality programming going on. And thank goodness! Grown-ups are good! What about Piggy's glasses?

I also find it kind of funny that they keep portraying the show like it was only started so that kids could fulfill their mission to show adults how the world really ought to be. Okay, if they wanted kids to show us some sort of Utopian society in which humanity fulfills its purpose, why would they send the kids back a hundred years and place them in a rustic, Wild West, ghost town? As in Back to the Future III? I thought we tried that society once already; it's only cool if you're a blacksmith. I actually heard they picked the location because there was a loophole in Nevada child labor law. Heartwarming, isn't it?

Still, the kids look like a bunch of amazing characters, and I'm rooting for them 100%. Tune in this Wednesday and see what you think.

Generation X-icon

One of my all time favorite stories is that of Megan Jasper, the hep twenty-something woman whom The New York Times consulted to provide them with a "Grunge Slang Lexicon" in 1992. You can imagine this girl, clad in her docs and Mudhoney t-shirt, and she was like, "Sure, sure, no problem. Glad to do it. Go Gen X!" and then, she totally made everything up! How cool is that? She is my hero. Also my hero: Brian Hopper, but I'll explain that later. Here are a few choice definitions:

Harsh Realm: Bummer

Cob Nobbler: Loser

Tom-Tom Club: Uncool outsiders

(And my favorite) Swingin' on the Flippity-Flop: Hanging out

I love it. Like anyone would say any of those phrases. Especially "swingin' on the flippity-flop!" How long does it take to say it? Thanks, Gamaliel for providing the full excerpt!


So, earlier I mentioned my other hero, Brian Hopper. Well, that's because this story totally reminded me of the time I was at Laura's house and happened to catch Brian on the local news. There had been a really big storm up at Crystal and they were filming the kids playing in the snow and skiing and whatnot. If you know the Hoppers, you know they love skiing, so of course Brian made the newscast. I would give anything to find a clip of what transpired, but for now, here's a paraphrased transcript straight out of my memory.

Newscaster: (we'll say, Penny LeGate since I can't remember who it was) Wow! It's really coming down out here! These kids are sure having fun with their snowball fights! Hey, young man, what do you think of the skiing conditions today?

Brian: Yeah, yeah, it's bovine.

So, obviously Brian is totally joking and trying to keep a straight face all the while purposely misusing the word "divine" as though that's totally normal. We're cracking up at home and then, suddenly the newscast is interuppted by a classic needle-scratching-partystop noise and a voiceover comes on saying, "Wait a minute, did he just say, bovine?" and then, a computer-generated background of a cow pops up along with a "MOOOO" sound and then you hear this clackety-clack of a typewriter as these words appear transposed over the cow:

BOVINE (ORIGINAL DEFINITION): OF OR PERTAINING TO CATTLE

BOVINE (COOL 1995 SLANG VERSION): EXCELLENT OR RADICAL!

Then, (and I'm not making this up) it cuts back to Ken Schram or something, and he says: "Well, those hurricanes off the coast of Florida aren't so "bovine," Penny! Let's go to Steve Pool for the weather."

Tell me that's not the best fifteen minutes in local television history. Brian Hopper rules.

Squirrel Cop

www.sugarbushsquirrel.com


If you have ten minutes to spare, you might like this. It's a hilarious story from NPR's "This American Life." I listened to it once on a road trip and was crying from laughing so hard. Enjoy. Also, if you ever want to hear other stories from "This American Life," all of the episodes are archived here and you can listen for free!