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Fun Dip is a Liar

Lik-m-aid Fun Dip haunts me. Not literally - I mean, the phantom of a sugary treat doesn't hover around me at night waiting to stab me with its dagger-like Lik-a-Stik; it's just that something about it doesn't sit well with me. I can't seem to shake this particularly bold claim it continues to make.



First let me direct your attention to the lower-left-hand corner of this familiar wrapper. As you can see, it champions the fact that its blue raspberry powder changes to green apple on your tongue via some kind of wizardy. I remembered this vividly and it was confirmed by Wikipedia, "The most common flavors are cherry, grape, and blue raspberry. The blue raspberry flavor was changed so that it changes from blue raspberry to green apple when it comes in contact with saliva." Even the newer version of the candy makes a point of saying that the magical powder changes colors and flavors! [Sidenote: Why do they always make food eat itself with delight? It's unsettling].


So, all of this adds up to the fact that the blue raspberry changes to green apple on your tongue. Here's the thing though. It's never blue raspberry. It's only blue apple! I don't doubt that it turns green. I've seen it. It's just a little hard to believe that it changes flavors. Listen Fun Dip, you're telling me that when the powder is sitting in its little packet, it tastes like blue raspberry, but "when it comes in contact with saliva" it becomes green apple through some kind of spectacular transmogrification? Are you kidding? You could say that about anything. You could be like, "This strawberry tastes like a roast beef sandwich until it comes into contact with your saliva and then it tastes like strawberries! It's a miracle!" It's impossible to prove. You can't taste something without tasting it, and once you taste this powder, it supposedly changes flavor. It's like chasing a constantly retreating rainbow, or wondering if the refridgerator light really goes off when you shut the door, or hearing a tree fall in the forest, or cutting out a mobius strip, or wondering if your terrible analogies will distract everyone from your extremely good point.

In any case, the good news is that all of this candy fury brought up what I believe is going to be my most fantastic and controversial idea yet.

A Partial List of The Worst Candy of All Time


5) Atomic Fireballs

I told you this was going to be controversial. Right now, many are saying, "But, I looooved atomic fireballs!" Yeah, I know, they were totally popular. In fact, I totally pretended to like them in order to be cool! "Mmmmm! These are great!...ouch...Let's listen to Debbie Gibson! Ow...my eyes are burning...I mean, are you going to the skate party?" I was so relieved when the trend died and dipping your finger in Jell-O packets took its place.

4) Banana Runts

In Hell, everything you touch turns to banana Runts. Oh, you want a glass of water? Here's a never-ending supply of banana Runts. Enjoy.


3) Tie Between Rock Candy and Honey Stix

Rock Candy: It looked like rocks. It tasted like rocks. What the fuck.

Honey Stix: They used to sell these at the Crystal Mountain General Store. Just flavored honey in a tube. Kids would just mainline them on the way home. I imagine in the old ski bus driver's nightmares, Honey Stix march in on him like storm troopers. [Sidenote or Nerd Trap: storm troopers, one word or two]?

2) Giant Jawbreakers

Hey, do you want a huge, chalky, piece of candy the size of Gliese 581 c that gives you a debilitating cheekache and destroys your mouth with its patina of white sandpaper? Do you want to keep a sticky Ziploc bag by your bed for weeks? Do you want a piece of candy that will last through all of 6th grade? Giant jawbreakers are for you!


1) Black Licorice

Black Licorice is a total polarizer. You either love it or you hate it. There's no halfway with black licorice. That actually makes me kind of like it.

Honorable Mention: Twizzlers
As Scott said, you might as well not even take off the wrapper before eating them, because it will taste the same.

Now, I'm going to go eat some Sixlets, the best candy of all time. After that, Rachel, Whitney and I are going to ride our bikes to Country Corner. See you there.




14 comments:

Whitney said...

I always felt sorry for banana runts because nobody like them, so I would eat them just to make them feel better. Now that I think about it, I kind of resent banana runts. Same story w/banana flavored Laffy Taffy.

caitlin said...

You are so nice, Whitney! Laffy Taffy = Melody Skating Center. Scott said that at his skating rink, the cool thing to do was skate alongside the soda machine and make a swamp water without stopping. I love picturing that. Oh my gosh, remember the urban legends surrounding that guy that did the giant dice game?

Emily said...

Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies...they deserve an honorable Mention...

Buff Tan Honky said...

I think Now And Laters should be on this list. They taste like the waxy edge of a McDonald's cup if you were ever to chew on one for about an hour or two.

caitlin said...

Oh my gosh, such a good call on both! Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies always catch you by surprise! It's like jelly bean roulette. Every time I get one I just go, "Oh it's you again, my arch nemesis." Plus, Now and Laters are so mother effing disgusting! Weren't they based on the idea that you could eat it for awhile and then save it for later? That makes me want to hurl. Oh man, I just remembered wax lips. Now I really want to throw up. Good call. Seriously.

Rachel said...

We were such candy whores. Country Corner was our pimp. It is heartwarming to remember that they used to honor our "Indian & Star" Tootsie roll wrappers and give us free ones. What con artists we were.

Wax lips!!?!!?? Good one. I can't think of any...candy corn? Peeps? Both grody.

caitlin said...

Oh yeah! I remember those wrappers! That was the best. We did looooove candy back then. Come to think of it, for me, not much has changed! Next time we are all in town, we should have a reunion ride, where we all ride bikes from our childhood homes and meet up at Country Corner. Then, we'll just buy beer. Just kidding! Or am I?

Anonymous said...

That list is incomplete without acknowlegding the single worst piece of candy of all time. That would be a reese's piece peanut butter cup that was lodged at the bottom of my Christmas stocking for a couple years. I remember I didn't get anything good, like cash and socks, literally, so I tried to console myself with a candy treat. The age of the candy was revealed almost instantly as it tasted like spicy meatloaf. I immediately asked "what was up with the candy?" only to be informed that santa had not put that particular type of candy in our stockings for several years. The taste still haunts me...

Anonymous said...

I totally remember that. I was like, "Why didn't I get any Reese's in my stocking?" and then you were like, "This tastes like meat." Then, I was no longer jealous.

DragonTeaser said...

Chocolate Skittles?

caitlin said...

Good call! Who let those two worlds collide? Have you seen the commercial where everything that guy touches turns to Skittles and everybody is like, "Cool!" but he's like, "Oh really? Is it cool when you can't hold your newborn child?"

DragonTeaser said...

I know huh.That's about as good of an idea as ketchup flavored popsicle's.Although for some odd reason I might have boughten one at Miracle Ranch,but only because I would lose a bet with a daycamper.

"Don't touch me kid.I'll turn you into a chocolate skittle."

I don't know about you,but my campers had wars with warheads.They would always challenge the Japanese kid's to a warhead duel to see how many they could shove in their mouth.

DragonTeaser said...

Mmmm,Mmmm,Mmmm How about those new pineapple runts.They look like the banana's got a beat down and then turned sour.

DragonTeaser said...

Oh yeah.Peeps!