Have you ever seen anything creepier than this?

I was covering the Beaumont Swap Meet for a website I'm writing for and first of all, that was exactly as glamourous as it sounds. Second, as I was leaving, I drove past THIS sight at what I think is a local dirt bike shop. Obviously I had to stop and take an in-depth pictorial of the scene. The first image is still the most arresting. I title it "Despair."

Next a close up of "The Leaner." Notice how the sadness of the little boy is amplified by the fact that I took the picture through a rusty chain link fence. Gross.

"Please, Papa - I'm so cold...(and tired of leaning at this intense angle in my life jacket?)"

Papa is helpless, hanging by his severely creepy Saw-like hook hands.

Then, I guess I just wanted an even closer shot of the hook hands and the sad eyes to make my nightmares that much more vivid.

Speaking of the sad eyes, apparently someone painstakingly applies false eyelashes to crash test dummies. Not sure if that's really necessary...

I think the best thing about seeing this craziness is that it happened the day after we went to Disneyland. I definitely feel like going to the Beaumont Swap Meet followed by seeing these two Uncanny Valley Apocalypse Survivors was like traveling to the polar opposite end of the spectrum. Sweet dreams everyone!

This just seems like a bad idea...

Air sounds fucking awesome

Oh my gosh, every time I see this commercial - clearly targeted at teenage girls, who are way too smart for it - I cringe. Where do I even start.

First of all, "It doesn't filter out an idea"... "because I'm 16"..." and not 30." I'm sorry...did you think the world favored 30-year-olds? I mean, this is a commercial full of 16-year-old girls. Do you think the titans of technology are out their dying to know what a 30-year-old needs in their life? No! They're trying to figure out how to design a more alluring M.A.S.H. app for your iPhone. Do you think air gives a shit about me? With my crow's feet and my one piece bathing suit? Please. Air wants to look at you!

And this part..."and wouldn't care if it knew!" Wow. Air sounds so cool. I mean, once, I asked Air to Tolo, and Air totally didn't know about my scoliosis, but then - right when we were about to slow dance, Air felt my back brace through my dress, and Air totally didn't care! Is Air Justin Bieber?

I feel like I'm going to look over, and Air will be wearing the "Love See No Colour" T-shirt I wore in 8th grade, with sunglasses, just making a heart with its hands like Taylor Swift does.

Real 16-year-old girls do have amazing ideas and as a teacher, I believe fiercely that their voices should be valued. I just feel like their voices would immediately join me in making fun of this commercial which so clearly patronizes them. Young people and their omni-texting are often victims of the crazily expensive rates cell phone companies charge for air, and the fact that one of them is trying to glorify this at times exploitive business by masquerading as some sort of inspirational call to action is just so ridiculous.

And while yes, Air can be pretty cool sometimes (kites, breathing, that parachute game in elementary school P.E.); it also makes tornadoes.

Here's a quick video of my first date with Scott

I think I'm just going to start dressing like Day to Night Barbie for job interviews. The whole ensemble is just so, I don't know - professional. Especially the large white hat. I love the part where Barbie is "using the computer," but really, she's just briefly karate chopping the right side of the keyboard while an '80s computer sound blee bloops in the background.

At first I thought this Barbie was just "Home and Office Barbie," but then I remembered, no, she's "Day to Night Barbie"! The whole outfit is designed so that she can go out with Ken after work! Having owned one of these dolls, I searched my memory and was like, "Didn't that skirt reverse into evening wear?"

I was so happy when this commercial confirmed it. Just think about enduring an entire day at work with scratchy pink tulle smashed under your pencil skirt. It's just ravaging your legs but you don't care, "Ignore...netburn....must dance with Ken..." Like how hard it would it be to just keep an extra dress in your office? Is Ken coming like, five seconds after you clock out? He can't wait while you change? It's just way more convenient to wear reversible clothing? I love Barbie.

My eyes!

The picture is a little blurry, but that's only because I was shaking so violently from laughter at the gas station where these disturbing candies were so prominently displayed. How did this product get past Wonka quality control?

We have also been going to the street fair a lot lately, and these crazy little guys are displayed at a lawn ornament booth - and let me just tell you, they really draw the eye. Their whimsical anthropomorphism will haunt me for years to come.

In conclusion...

What I love about the people who invented the new compostable Sun Chips bag is that they didn't just create a biodegradable package - they also created the loudest chip bag in history. There's actually a warning on the bag apologizing for its markedly loud, crackly nature. Small price to pay for a bag that breaks down in your backyard compost though! Even though the three people in my town that are actually composting right now probably don't buy Sun Chips, favoring rather bulk quinoa and sprouted grain bread. Still though, it's a promising step in the right direction.

While coming up with packaging made from material that eventually disappears is a great idea, my students came up with some items that would not be so great if they were indeed made out that same"now you see it, now you don't" biodegrading corn-based polymer. Here they are in order of escalating importance:

- your desk

- your pants

That's as far as we got, but you can see that they are total geniuses. I can't wait to see what they will invent.

My Phone Thinks I am at a Renaissance Fair

Whenever I text "mins," as in, "I'll be there in 5 mins," my phone automatically suggests I may have meant to say "minstrel." Whenever I attempt to text "smiley," as in, "That smiley with the letter 'B' for sunglasses is hilarious," it thinks I want to say "amulet." Minstrel and amulet. Under what circumstances would I ever need to send a text regarding either of those items? Does my phone think I have a drawbridge at my house? Does it think I wear one of those cone hats with a scarf coming out of it? I am not a wizard. I am not a jouster. I realize I've brought up this predictive text issue before, but I am perpetually incredulous! Come to think of it, I've also brought up amulets before... Maybe I am like, one cape away from LAIRE. Maybe my phone knows something I don't.

Luke, you are a father

I love the blog Cake Wrecks! They actually have a book out now and it is priceless. Check out this creepy Baby Ethan cake. I love that they never run out of material!

This is just weird


Chili's Doesn't Fuck Around!

This is the sign I saw posted at one of the elite Chili's "Curbside-To- Go" parking spots. Look how intimidating it is! If you park there and you're not just popping in to pick up your pizza shooters, shrimp poppers, or extreme fajitas...then they are going to eff you up.

What kind of bad-ass mercenary towing service does Chili's employ? Do they just stake out the restaurant, and if you are in breach of the well-documented ten minute limit, some sort of Decepticon comes out, incinerates your car, and then sprinkle the remains on top of some sizzling-hot nachos? Does Megatron serve it to you like, "Yeah! Eat up bitch! Cuz this is Chili's! And we don't fuck around!"

Oddly enough, underneath the extremely aggressive and threatening warning, is this warning....

It's a little blurry, but that's only because a giant car-melting robot was pounding its fist on the roof of my car as I took the photo. In any case, let me get this straight. If I park in this spot without getting food, my car is crushed and melted - possibly with me inside it. If I park in this spot, pick up my Chili's to go, and then eat it, my organs and possibly my unborn children will be crushed and melted by carcinogens?

What the fuck Chili's? Jesus. I'm going to Red Robin.