Listen, Subway

I'm going to need you to wrap my sandwich in more layers. I know that you already wrap it first in a layer of white deli paper, followed by that second layer of printed deli paper, and then you stuff into a plastic sleeve sack, cushioning it in a nest of approximately fifty to eighty napkins, but that's just not enough for me. 

When I go to your restaurant, and sit down inside it to eat my sandwich, five seconds after you hand it to me, I don't want to just un-swaddle three barriers in order to hit bread - I want more. 

Here's what I suggest: after you've sacked it up, place that sack inside a shoebox. I don't care what brand. Next, place that shoebox in a safe. It's up to you whether or not you're going to provide the combination. I'm not afraid of safecracking. In fact, if my lunch is waiting as a reward, I will just crack that much faster. In any case, after my turkey sub is securely locked away, place that safe inside a treasure chest. Then freeze that treasure chest until it's coated in a thick layer of ice. Then, finally, wrap the giant ice block in one more layer of deli paper. That's how I want my sandwich from now. Thank you. 

Also, writing that just totally reminded me of this!


Micah said...

I just want you to know that I just read this & laughed so hard I cried. Literally. And I'm not even drunk.