What kind of ghosts do you think this attracts? Princesses?

                                       

Uncanny.

Listen, Subway

I'm going to need you to wrap my sandwich in more layers. I know that you already wrap it first in a layer of white deli paper, followed by that second layer of printed deli paper, and then you stuff into a plastic sleeve sack, cushioning it in a nest of approximately fifty to eighty napkins, but that's just not enough for me. 

When I go to your restaurant, and sit down inside it to eat my sandwich, five seconds after you hand it to me, I don't want to just un-swaddle three barriers in order to hit bread - I want more. 

Here's what I suggest: after you've sacked it up, place that sack inside a shoebox. I don't care what brand. Next, place that shoebox in a safe. It's up to you whether or not you're going to provide the combination. I'm not afraid of safecracking. In fact, if my lunch is waiting as a reward, I will just crack that much faster. In any case, after my turkey sub is securely locked away, place that safe inside a treasure chest. Then freeze that treasure chest until it's coated in a thick layer of ice. Then, finally, wrap the giant ice block in one more layer of deli paper. That's how I want my sandwich from now. Thank you. 

Also, writing that just totally reminded me of this!

Lady Lovely Gross

I keep trying to explain Lady Lovely Locks to my student, and as I do so, I realize more and more how gross the concept is. Think about it. She's a princess, with three vermin-like animals who just crawl into her hair when she calls them. "Oh, you like my lavender extensions? Thanks! Yeah, it's actually the long, curled tail of a ferrel rabbit that flies around in a bunch of glitter." 

I guess they are totally helpful. Check out this clip. There's like, a little bit of dialogue in the beginning, and then just ten minutes of only giggling.

Would You Rather

My students and I were playing a round of "Would You Rather" and my fifth-grader came up with one that started, "Would you rather live in an ice cream shop," and I was nodding, already liking the first option, and then she continued, "but it's haunted, or..." Wait a second. Haunted? Not so fast! This is no ordinary ice cream shop! "What's my second choice?" I asked.

My other option was "living in a car in the woods that are full of monsters and it's always night."

Wow. This was going to be a tough one. I don't like it when it's always night. In the end, I chose ice cream shop, because I like ice cream, and I think I could tolerate some paranormal activity if necessary.

Then, she insisted that we explain our dream houses, jobs, and cities.

Her dream job: Alice or Tinkerbell at Disneyland.

Her dream house: Really big mansion with long white marble staircases and the white marble staircases have gold railings.

Her dream city: Everything is made out of candy: the roads are chocolate bars, the clouds are whipped cream, the rain is marshmallows. And, blood is jam.


"What?"


"Blood is jam."


"Eww. Like strawberry jam? Like in Candyworld your blood is strawberry jam?"


"Yeah!"


Think about how creepy it is that she thought of that! She just went from a perfectly acceptable childhood fantasy, in which your world looks exactly like that old school Dairy Queen commercial, to "I want to eat some blood!" What is she, some sort of Cullen?

I guess it is kind of sweet and innocent though. Taking something sad and gory and turning it into something that may very well be pumping through Strawberry Shortcake's veins as we speak.

In any case, I'm still thinking of exactly what would constitute my dream house, my dream job, and my dream city; but there's one thing I know for sure. Every time I enter a Cold Stone Creamery, for a flickering moment, I will wonder what it would be like to live inside, pestered by poltergeists, surrounded by floating cones.

What carbs?

April Fools' Day Lunch!

Okay, I know, I'm obsessed with this project. I've put it up on Facebook and texted it to like twenty of my friends. Each person that came into my classroom on April Fools' Day had to listen to me explain all the ingredients in detail. I just can't get enough! 

If you want to make it yourself, it's really easy. All you need to do is slice and toast pound cake for the "grilled cheese." Cut it diagonally before frosting. Smooth bright yellow frosting on the toast and assemble your tiny sandwiches. 

Next, zap green apple or watermelon-flavored Airheads taffy in the microwave and break it into small pieces. Roll the pieces into tiny green balls for the "peas."

Last, add one scoop of vanilla ice cream with caramel or butterscotch for a total mashed potatoes and gravy look-a-like!

My students ate their treat, and then flew around the room like Quidditch players, powered by the force of what must have been a truckload of pure cane sugar.  They promptly crashed twenty minutes later. 

I think I may have actually gotten a cavity just from just handling that much taffy. I spent the rest of the day smelling like the Melody Skate Rink snack counter. Which was kind of nice actually. 

In any case, it was totally worth it. And do you know what else was totally worth it? The five minutes I just spent immersed in total Nerdland trying to figure out if you capitalize "Quidditch" or not. There are some serious nerds out there. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to look up a recipe for a hamburger cake. 

Finally.

Underwater Car

Okay, my student and I were reading the new National Geographic Kids, and we saw a picture for this underwater car.  It looks super cool, but I think I am missing something. I don't understand what the benefit is. I mean, I understand the benefits of personal submarines and more nimble underwater vehicles, but in the video, it just seems like the car is sinking. At one point, my student and I were like, "It looks like they're just dying in a horrible car crash."  I don't know. There must be some pros to this concept, right? The zero emissions? The ability to go from land to water in one seamless transition? Any guesses? 

Listening to this song took me back and almost made me forget the economy is plummeting into the fires of Mordor.

I have to give props to Steve for finding this. It may be the best Oreo commercial of all time. Especially wobble knees at 0:19. How amazing were giant Oreos? Did anyone ever finish one? They were so big, you would start one, develop a headache halfway through, and quit.

I'm sorry if some of you have already heard this story, but I can't stop telling it! I was on the treadmill at the gym the other day and, due to the scuff of my shoes on the belt and the dry desert air, I kept getting shocked by static electricity every time I accidentally touched anything around me. It wasn't that big of a deal, so I just ignored it and plugged my headphones into the treadmill. I had been listening to Obama's speech in the car, and I wanted to keep listening, so I tuned the headset to CNN.  I was smiling placidly and listening to the promise of new green energy when all of sudden, a jolt of static electricity traveled up my headphone wire, into my earbud, and electrocuted my entire ear canal at a voltage reserved for movies like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.  

I shrieked "JESUS CHRIST!" at the top of my lungs, possibly offending and definitely terrifying the woman running next to me. I just clawed the sizzling wires away from my face and wadded them into the drink holder. I was shaking. Am I alive? What year is this? Who's the president? Where am I? Luckily, nine out of the ten TVs confirmed that Obama was the president, and after glancing around the room and seeing that everyone looked a little bit like they could be on Rock of Love, I confirmed that I was in California. 

I actually placed my trembling hands on the heart rate sensors, mostly out of curiosity. The good news was my heart rate wasn't too crazy from my shock, the bad news was that everyone in the gym was staring at me. I thought about pointing to the TVs and saying, "Sorry guys, it's just the state of the economy. Terrifying. Shocking," but I just smiled weakly and attempted to read Obama's lips for the remainder of the broadcast.